What would you do for a Klondike Bar? By Josephine Barton
L
et me begin by saying that I am not in a relationship. I have been single for a long time. Being single has objectively allowed me some time to evaluate the relationships I had in the past and I was not happy with my grade. I concluded that during the life of those relationships I settled for men who were not up to the standards I set for myself. I am not talking about compromising in order for a relationship to work. Like two people who agree to give a little to get a little, for example my agreeing to make the bed while my boyfriend makes the morning coffee! I am referring to overlooking the obvious character flaws in a person just for the sake of having a relationship.I do not know too many people who do not want to be in a relationship. If however, you are with someone only to fill a void in your life, then you have problems on your hands.
Some of my family and friends are either dating or married. However, I do not envy or even wish to have a relationship similar to theirs. These are no Will Smith and Jada Pinkett love affairs. We are talking about men with no goals or careers, who are unemployed, freeloading, still living at home with momma, not paying child support, driving their (women’s) cars but not filling the tank with gas, playing PlayStation all day , and depending on the women to take care of them.
Yes, I have also had my fair share of men like those. It is hard to admit that I had subjected myself to the same pain and misery that I watch my family and friends go through on a daily basis.
There are plenty of reasons why we sometimes close our eyes to this obvious foolishness...
·
The sex is good and I can afford a toy like him. That’s cool.·
When he is working, he does give me some money for the bills. But since he has police records, it is hard to get a job and when he does get one, it is even harder to keep it because of profiling, sexual harassment from female bosses, excuses, and excuses. Choose any.·
I am only with him until I meet somebody better. Go girl!·
Why should I be alone? You’re right·
I don’t feel like I am settling for less. For real·
I love him. WowWhen my girlfriends and I talk, we all agree that men should be loving, self sufficient, hardworking, and dependable men. However, when it is time to go our separate ways we leave to go home to the same nonsense.
What’s the point of proclaiming today will be different if you continue to wake up next to the same trifling man. What’s the point of voicing how unhappy and stressed you are if you are going to zip your lips in front of the person that is the center of your unhappiness and stress. We know our worth, we know how we should be treated, and we know what a good man should bring to the table, but we allow our eagerness to have a relationship to overcome us and take the first man stepping off the bus.
Men deserve our respect, understanding and compassion. We know men, especially African American men, have it harder than most. Please don’t let me forget how hard you are trying to get yourself together.
However, there are men that cry broke when it’s time to pay a bill but are the first to put in for drinks when it’s time to go to the liquor store. The men that can’t afford to pay child support but just purchased the latest pair of Jordan’s for $300. The same men that can’t remember our birthdays but can memorize every inaudible word of the latest rap song.
Guess what, I don’t understand and my compassion has run out.
I am a beautiful, God fearing, 31 year old woman who was raised in the heart of Chicago’s ghetto by a single mother. I have seen it all... I have witnessed abuse, been lied too, felt neglected, and unloved but through it all I have managed to earn a college degree. I am raising my 3 year old son and 16 year old niece alone. I own my car, home, and I aspire to be the best person possible.
Now, can you tell me why should I just settle for any man?
You are right. Go girl
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Then be with yourself. Who cares.
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I believe that self love is the best love..When you truly love yourself you will not settle for less than you deserve..Another thing is you have to be happy alone to be happy with someone else..People look for fufillment in another person, but when you are unhappy it's contagious and just leads to an unhealthy situation..I believe that we all have had our share of bad relationships, and we can't just blame the men, but they key is to to do some serious self-evaluation (as you state in your article)..Nothing can be done to you that you don't allow, and each disappointment or failure is a life lesson!! Great article..
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I agree. I enjoyed your article. Men do what these women let them get away with and vises versa. We all have to value our selves so much more. If our self worth was up to par at all times……..none of us would be willing to allow anyone male or female to place us in the positions you’ve described. Time alone allows all of us to find that self worth and we begin to love our selves before we can love others or expect some one to love us. Do you have a story to tell about the trifling women? There are men out here that deal with the women’s mentality that says he owes me. Women that will say at the drop of a dime……I don’t need you! Have you heard stories like that? I’m just curious to hear the other side. Your thoughts? Tania
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Girl you are so right. I think we have all been subjected to the type of men that you are speaking of. It comes a time when you have to take a stand and say you know enough is enough, I am too much of a woman to deal with this mess. Just like you said why settle? Excellent! Kudos to you girlie!!!
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Well Well. I am so glad that you voiced your very balanced ideas on this complex situation. I do need to address us as women on how we ameliorate this issue. I too have seen a LOT of relationships and what I can say, is the relationships that work, REQUIRE work. No person on this earth has a relationship that is squeaky clean. The fault of us as Black women is that many of us have not seen what it takes for US to keep a relationship going. Men they have issues but they derive from the same place as ours. Not seeing a relationship for what it is REALLY worth. That means you folks that grew up in a home with Mom and Dad may also have misconstrued perceptions of relationship. Many married couples hide the true issues and 'for the sake of the kids' pretend like nothing is going on. All I can say is that, we have to reidentify ourselves and how we can work together with a partner. I am very EXTREMELY independent, but I know that some of my man's shortcomings can with love be fixed. He may or may not think that my shortcomings are an issue,perhaps in the future he will, but I hope that our love and our communication will allow us to address it and fix it if possible. But LOVE, Love is the complete devotion, and unconditional giving of self. If that means putting in a lil extra work at the begining then so be it. But NO investment is without risk. Josie, I am so glad you brought this topic up. I hope that we as women continue to support our men. Remember, we reflect how we were raised .. and many of our mothers raised their daughters and spoiled their sons. We have to be flexible and delicate in how we help them to identify them selves and reclaim themselves as strong men. And Dont give up, when you find one u put 150% into it, if it's a bad investment then you learn how to better invest for the next time and keep doing it until u hit the jackpot. Love and Peace.. lala
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You know as I was reading this article I could have sworn that you were talking about me and my last ridiculous relationship.
As women we do NOT have to settle and sometimes we do for the sake of...comfort and as you stated: the fear of being alone. I would rather be alone then in a relationship with a man that can't even compliment me on the things he loves most about me. Or with a man that feels that love only consists of how good he lays it down in the bedroom, the number of times he hasn't got on your bad side, or with a man that can not choose his words and actions correctly when it comes to the person that he says he loves....when has love every had to hurt more then it feels good?
There are some very good men out here-we just have to be patient and allow God bring the two together. When we are in such a rush to "love" and "like" things never go as planned.....so we must be patient.
The best part about life is living and learning. But as the same time realizing that as profound women-we need to find a man that can compliment our style and grace.
I can play the Bonnie just as long as he can play my Clyde
Kudos! And God Bless
Love you Josie
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Very interesting point of view...as a man I can hear what you're saying. The only problem I have is that some women feel as thought once you have a man your work is done. The hardest part is keeping him happy. For any woman who has been in a relationship and found themseves saying whats up with this dude he's so different now...its because you started to treat him differently. I think many times women get caught up in the fantasy of a relationship and loose sight that relationships take work it doesn't come as easily when the honeymoon is over. The real question is how much work are you willing to put in. Now I know there are dead beat dudes out there and they don't deserve your time, but in all honesty most men are good at heart its just how you treat them...basically don't expect more that you're willing to sacrifice. And stop reading these soft porn romance novels that puts too much pressure on any relationship...fantasy is not reality.
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You go girl...I am truly grateful to have a great friend like you I agree with every word from this article you no you have stepped on many of toes for friends, family and just sister across the way and sometimes that's what we need for it to be put this way.....I am happy with myself and my life. He should be too...love Jeanette
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WOW Josie!!!....I agree with the notion that women to a large degree spend a lot of time professing the talk instead of walking the walk. I've been through it all most of which people that love me have no idea about. Doing things hoping that each man would end up being exactly who he professed himself to be only to find out that not only were the signs there that he wasn't nor was I but I ignored EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!
As I have matured and gotten better about being my own woman and living up the same things I expect from a man and being the best single mother I can be I have realized that I no longer want nor believe settling just to have a man provides any real happiness. If you are worth more demand more and by all means if THAT MAN is worth it, GIVE HIM more of you. You go girl!!! Love Nikki
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Your are absolutely right girl. I have been in way too many relationships when my man would freeload off of me until I told him to man up. Unfortunately when I told them to man up they had one foot out the door already. It was like this until I met a decent man about six months ago. I basically had to get pregnant in order to keep him around, but hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I didn't get pregnant on purpose, but I definitely don't regret it, but lets remember who is in control here.
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